When everything is just painful, so painful that you feel the stinging pain in your chest. It paralyzes you. It makes you stop going. It makes you stop fighting. It paralyzes you, but your world keeps on revolving. And the people keeps coming and going on with their lives. And there’s just only one left – YOU.
When everything just aches, even breathing becomes so painful, that every breathe, you ask yourself, “Why am I still here?” When you sleep in pain, and you wake up in pain, and you tell Him, “Lord, comfort me in my sleep.” But you wake up feeling paralyzed again. That even when you need to pray but words does not come out of your mouth. Your insides shout at you telling you, “Give Him praise! Give Him worship!” but then even to pray before every meal is excruciating.
So this is what “hurts-like-hell” feels like.
When these things happen, do you just stop? Do you just let the circumstances paralyze you? Do you just let the pain devour you?
You listen. You ask and you listen. You ask, “Why am I still here?” And that voice answered, “Because I want you here.” You listen when He says, “You are my courageous warrior,” even when you say you can’t fight the battle anymore. You listen when He says, “You are going to cross that territory,” even when you say, I’m not going any further.
You listen when He says, “I am going to bless you. No one can stop me from blessing you,” even when it is so hard to take it in.
You don’t stop. You don’t stop fighting. You don’t stop running that race. You have to outrun the world. You have to kill your circumstances even when it’s out of your control. And do you know what makes you do that?
When you want to mope around and just cry, but then there’s grace. When you just want to stop and just stay, but then there’s grace. When you just wanted to shout at Him, telling Him how can a loving God let you experience so much pain, but then… there’s grace.
I so wanted to give up but then grace happened.
Why am I still here after every persecution? It’s grace. Why am I still here after every battle of self-worth, of being not good enough, of having to become “this person” just to be accepted, of earning someone’s love – it’s grace.
When you have already drowned in that grace, do you still want to ascent? When you experience that grace, do you still want to let go? No, you sink into that ocean of grace and immerse yourself deeper.
Life is hard. But it’s harder without His grace.
Indeed, true to it’s lyrics.. grace, what have you done?