Not to us, but to Your name
We lift up all praise..
Help me to take delight in honoring other people, to focus on giving my life away so that you can take care of my needs. I want to nurture my enthusiasm by being in you.
— Ptr Rick Warren
Let this be my prayer, God.
calvary covers it all
my sin and shame, don’t count anymore
all praise to the One who has ransomed my soul
calvary covers it all
“beauty for ashes
you find the weak and contrite heart
shoulder its burdens
and carry it into the light”
— Jesus I Need You // Hillsong Worship
No matter what happens today, I know who’s on my side and He will carry me through. He will give me strength. I am victorious in Him!
It was a good Monday morning. I woke up earlier than expected and so prepared for work and arrived at the office 15 minutes before the start of my shift. I was greeted with a normal hello by my partner and of course, greeted back. I sat on my desk, opened my PC, and did all the reports that I have to do.
It was a normal day for me, until I was asked by an “abnormal” question, “Okay ra ka? (Are you okay?)” Then, I answered her with a question: “Why?” and she said that she asked, because I am abnormally quiet today. So, I just answered “Okay ra ko (I’m okay).”
Not later than 30 minutes, my other friend arrived and brought food. He happily announced that he brought ginaling (which I like so much) because I requested it. He even joked, “I brought giniling on the floor for you.” That made me laugh – the giniling on the floor joke. But I guess that was not able to cheer me up because I was asked: “Naunsa diay ka, my friend? Luya lagi imong katawa. (What’s going on with you?)” I brushed that off and just said I’m okay. Really, I am.
I got back on my desk, grabbed my Bible and read Psalms. And there it was. The conviction. The guilt. The still small voice of the Holy Spirit speaking: “You can fool them, but you can’t fool me.”
I smiled at that. Oh Lord, you alone know.
These days, my Christmas tree are full of gifts and it’s not even Christmas. There’s an outpouring of gifts, some of them in the form of promises, some in the form of breakthroughs, some in the form of conquest and harvest, and some in the form of having the right timing. They are all good gifts, wrapped in silver and gold, with ribbons of pastel colors. It was a good sight under my tree, and good news is they are all for me.
But then, I can’t open them. Yet. The giver of the gift instructed me (and really instructed well) to wait until his specified time to open the gifts. Some of them, I’ll open after a few months, one gift will be opened after a couple of years, but some gifts, he said, it’s a surprise.
What a mystery! I’m a person who likes solving puzzles and finding hidden Mickeys. But this is a mystery that I cannot figure out. For who can fathom the infinite mind of the giver of the gift? No one. All you have to do is to wait for that go signal.
Oh, here’s the word. Waiting.
As I said to the giver of the gift before, “waiting is good when I wait upon you.” And so I waited. But I was not warned that it wasn’t just waiting.
It’s waiting + fear
Waiting + discouragement
Waiting + pain
Waiting + what if’s
Waiting + judgements
Waiting + betrayal
Waiting + backstabbing
It’s like a rollercoaster of emotions and spiritual warfare. And I don’t even ride a roller coaster! But here I am, riding one.
Are we even aware that the waiting game is the only game that we don’t even stand a chance in winning? You have nothing to do but wait. You cannot push back the time, nor push it forward. You just have to wait. You can complain while you wait. You can cry while you wait. You can endure while you wait. And you know the common denominator behind all of these? It’s waiting.
There’s pain in waiting. You know how it begins, but you don’t know when it ends. Only the giver of the gift knows. But then, I heard that sound again, that one voice that I hear whenever I grab my Bible, my pen and my journal saying “find the joy in waiting.”
Find the joy behind the fear in waiting. It’s yours. The Word said that the gift is yours and no one can steal it away from you.
Find the joy behind the discouragement. The joy behind the pain. The joy behind the what if’s, when there’s no what if’s. You just created them in your mind. Find the joy behind the judgements, the betrayals and the backstabbing. Because He specifically said: “Those who mind, don’t matter. And those who matter, don’t mind.” Filter the ones who doesn’t matter. Save the ones who does.
And find the joy in the relief. Relief that this ride will soon end. You may end up black and blue with bruises, emotionally drained, spiritually consumed, but the end of this ride, where you can finally open your gift will be worthwhile. And again, I enter this covenant with the giver of the gift: that I would not choose to see the struggle behind the waiting, but I will choose to see the beautiful picture of my promised future, the future where I can open these gifts. I know when that day comes, I can look at the situation, the people or the person and can say to myself that they are all worth it.
But when is that time going to be?
Oh Lord, you alone know.
“I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.” – Psalm 130:5
You told me that you will meet me at the point of faith. Then Father, help me extend my faith up until that time, up until that moment, where you will meet me at the end of this crooked road.
How it has been a journey, God. How many times have I told you no. How many I cant’s have you heard? How have I provoked your anger when I told you I’m fine on my own? Who said the time of waiting is easy? No, it has never been. One second you’re okay, and then on the other something happens that makes your self-worth hit rock bottom, and then you think of giving up. You think of ways on how to detach yourself from this situation because it’s giving you so much pain. I can always give up. I can always run away.
Only. I have your Word with me. You said it. I must believe it. And that should be enough.
So now, I give to you every second of my waiting, Lord. I give to you every bit of it. Use it for Your glory. Use it to mold me, to shape me, until I become more like You. Help me think less of myself in this destiny and help me think more of You and how can this fulfill the purposes of Your heart. Afterall, you told me before that You have called me for this, not for my happiness or for anyone’s happiness, but for Your own enjoyment. Father, I want you to delight in me. So help me cling on Your word. I can’t assure You that I can. I am weak as I am. But help me.
I look to You.
I look to You.
At the end of this tunnel, I’m going to meet You and You will tell me, you did well.
When that time comes, I’m sure it will all be worth it.
I look to You. I have decided to look to You and to wait upon You. To wait for nothing and no one, just You. I won’t wait for the destiny, I will wait for the author of my destiny. And that’s you, my God.
Every second. It’s yours. And the time starts now.