Celebrating Death

 

“If you have a dream, you just have to make it happen.”

I read that quote somewhere in Facebook and smiled to myself, believing that someone with a higher power can make them happen for me.

But this week, I don’t know why I see posts of people chasing their dreams and making them all happen. One friend is finishing her masterals in Ateneo, one is taking a second course in Architecture, the other one is going to Singapore, and one that I was close with is going to Indonesia for her doctorate degree. It was like the whole universe is conspiring against me, pushing me to go. It’s like they are cheering me on, shouting “Chase them! Chase them!” But then I know it was a stupid idea, hearing voices you should never hear. And so, I logged out on Facebook but then that’s when everything sunk in.

The feeling was a mixture of sadness, envy (good envy) and regret.

As I was happy for people living their dreams, I felt sad for myself for delaying my dreams. There’s so much delay in making it happen. To be honest, the now in my life, in my career to be specific, is not the one I really wanted for myself. I’m a person of passion more than practicality. But then, for a couple of years, I’m stuck with practicality more than my passion.

The regret from approximately six years ago came back. Took UPCAT. Passed UPCAT. When the dreamer in me was able to take hold of UP Dilliman, taking BA Journalism. But then I had to let it go. For a promdi to go and study in the city would trigger a heart attack to her parents, so I had to let go of my UP Dilliman dreams and chose the nearest state university. And so, I studied in MSU-IIT and took up Political Science. It’s five hours away from home but it’s the nearest. UP Dilliman and UST are the last universities my parents would choose for me.

But then that was six years ago. My now has a fresh batch of regrets.

As I see them live their dream, I keep on asking myself, when am I going to make mine happen?

I wanted to be a civil rights attorney. So bad. I want to take up my masters in Political Science and later on look for doctorate scholarships to have my PhD on a foreign land. These are the dreams that I have for myself. Sadly, I’m not even in step one from any of this.

And my family doesn’t get a thing at all. Although they are not angry, they just have a lot of questions. They are now ready to let me go to UP Dilliman and take up my bachelor of laws there. But this time, I was the one who said no. Of course, they asked why but then again, I can’t tell them the right reason. So I told them plainly that I don’t have the time yet. My mom would just say, “Ikaw bahala. Dako na man ka. Kabalo na ka mo-decide para sa imong kaugalingon. (It’s your choice. You’re a grown up now. You already know how to decide for yourself.)” My dad was consistent, telling me that I should begin early. But then again, I have to deal with a lot of whys from my college friends and my relatives. They had a lot of expectations of me and what I would become in a specific time frame. Well trust me, I felt sad too when I haven’t met such expectations.

I am pretty much frustrated. But then when I think about what made me say no, I have to die again to myself and bury all these dreams and let one thing dominate in the insides of me.

Do you know why I said no? Actually, it was not me who said no. Jesus did.

I am Ran, a dreamer, and a follower of Christ. And I love Him because He first loved me. Although my love would never be enough, but I love Him in the ways that I could. And my love for Jesus would include my obedience to Him and His word.

I prayed about all of my dreams. Believe me, I did, many times. I asked Him if He wanted this for me as much as I wanted it for myself. But He said a plain and simple no.

All because of a “higher calling” that He wanted me to pursue. This is the cost of being in love with Jesus, you have to deny yourself of the things that you want because He wants another things for you. Much higher things. Things of eternal value and can bring eternal satisfaction.

Just like what Paul said, “I die daily.”

Today, as I am reading my best friend’s blogpost, I die again to myself. I bury all sadness, all envy and all regrets, together with all the dreams in my life. Because behind me is a Greater Dreamer who wants greater things for me.